This Is Me Letting You Go

This is my knowing life goes on. Knowing that someday I will not think of love as a feeling that’s exclusive to you and I, as crazy as that seems to me right now. That eventually I’ll meet someone new – someone who loves the foods you hate and laughs at things you don’t find funny and appreciates the parts of me that you once left undiscovered. That some days, in the early morning hours, I’m going to wake up beside them and forget – just for an instant – that it is not your body tangled in mine.

This is me knowing that I have to let you go. That no matter how much I love you or how hard we work at this or how badly we both want each other to be happy, we are never going to be the right partners for each other. This is my acceptance that the best things are never straightforward and that I want you to take whatever crooked, twisted path you need to take if it will lead you towards your dreams. This is me knowing that I have to do what’s right. That sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them go – to do more, feel more, be more than the person they ever could ever have become by your side.

Mengejar Bahagia

"ini lagu siapa? Celine bukan?"

Sebuah lagu yang mencuri perhatian saya ditengah obrolan dengan seorang teman di toko buku beberapa hari kemarin. Liriknya menyentil saya entah kenapa.

"Tahu judulnya nggak?"

Sempat diam sejenak, saya membuka sebuah aplikasi di telepon pintar mencoba mencari tahu judulnya. Ketemu. Ada perasaan aneh yang tiba-tiba merangsek masuk. Ingatan saya terlempar pada seseorang yang akhir-akhir ini muncul kembali dalam hari-hari saya. Rasanya aneh, tetapi saya suka.

Senggolan kecil, jabat tangan sekilas, dan tatapan matanya. Saya ingat betul. Pertemuan biasa yang tak direncanakan atau sebenarnya pun tidak kami inginkan. Kami sama-sama tidak ingin mencari, kami saling menjauh. Cukup sore itu saja dan kami berdua kembali jadi orang asing di dunianya masing-masing.

Saya sendiri lupa dan dirinya barangkali tidak pernah menganggap saya ada. Saya tidak peduli karena dia bukan siapa-siapa. Hidup kami terus berjalan.

Lalu hati punya aturan sendiri ketika kepala mulai perlahan-lahan menghapus semua tentang dia. Ingatan-ingatan sore itu, esok hari, dan berhari-hari setelahnya. Kenangan yang bukan samar-samar. Begitu jelas hingga saya bisa meresapi dan merasakan sakit, marah, dan kecewa karenanya. Saya benci.

Saya percaya bahwa kita tidak akan pernah tahu dengan siapa dipertemukan di masa depan. Pun dengan dirinya. Suka atau tidak suka, dirinya hadir dalam mimpi malam saya. Hampir setiap hari. Kami baik-baik saja. Kami bahkan tak terlalu mengenal satu sama lain, buat apa pikir saya. Di matanya bisa saja saya adalah biang onar. Atau memang saya sendiri yang belum bisa menerima dan terlalu keras kepala.

Hangat. Sesuatu yang mengalir dari dalam setiap pagi ketika malam sebelumnya saya bermimpi bertemu dengan dirinya. Sesuatu yang bahkan tidak perlu saya lawan adanya karena perasaan tenang dan nyaman yang ia bawa. Perasaan yang bertahan sangat lama hingga saya sadar bahwa dia sama seperti saya. Sama-sama manusia. Hati saya berubah. Cara saya melihat dirinya tak pernah lagi sama. Netral.

Mimpi-mimpi panjang yang selalu berubah setiap malam. Bandung, Yogyakarta, Jakarta, Magelang, dan stasiun kereta. Dirinya dan saya. Bisa jadi cara Semesta sedang membersihkan dan meringankan langkah-langkah saya.

Mungkin saya mulai merasa suka. Kalaupun saya mau berandai-andai, saya jatuh cinta. Percakapan-percakapan yang terjadi dalam mimpi tentang perjalanan, kami, dan beragam kejadian yang mau tidak mau akan tetap saling bertautan. Dirinya dan saya adalah dua dari sekian banyak orang-orang yang digariskan bersinggungan dan bersimpangan di satu titik karena sebuah tujuan. Entah nanti akan bersama atau cukup sampai di sini lalu kita akan memisah langkah meneruskan perjalanan.

Percakapan terakhir dengannya tidak mungkin saya lupa, "aku selalu tunggu kamu di sini, ya." Begitu katanya sembari melepaskan gandengan tangan dan saya yang kemudian melangkah pergi. Dia lalu tersenyum. Mimpi terakhir yang membuat saya kembali berani melangkah dan menulis surat untuknya sekadar mengucapkan kata maaf dan terimakasih. Itu saja, tidak lebih. Surat balasan yang kemudian saya terima tak lama setelah dikirim.

Saya terus mengejar bahagia saya, seperti dirimu yang saya yakin sama. Meskipun bahagiaku belum tentu sama dengan bahagia menurut versimu. Tidak apa-apa. Kelak ketika semesta menghendaki kita untuk bertemu, saya sudah lebih siap. Tenang saja karena saya tidak ingin terburu-buru. Lagipula rasa ini memang belum punya nama. Atau biarkan saja ia tetap tak bernama.

Saya selalu ingat kamu. Angka delapan, bulan sembilan, senyum, dan mata yang sendu. Terimakasih...

We Love the Concept Not the Person - A Question

Yesterday in the middle of Jakarta's traffic, my friend Andin, asked me a question. Not just a question but she wants me to elaborate the answer and my opinion about it.

"You know what, I always tell this to people who think they are in love with me, I am not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head. Too many people think I am a concept or I complete them or I am going to make them alive, but I am just a fucked-up woman who is looking for my own peace of mind. Do not assign me yours. I destroyed everything I touched."

"What is on your mind when you read that?"

I feel like rolling my eyes in a sudden. What a question I said. I need a few minutes in silence and then trying to elaborate.

"What? Note that last sentence. I think it's being contradictive with the first one," she demands my opinion.

"Please a minute."

So here is my answer, "First, you mentioned about 'I complete them' or whatsoever like that. In the end, you are just a woman whom mess with everything she touched (?). Okay..."

"I know right. Ambiguous,"

"Yup. I understand,"

Sometimes people are not in love with the subject (in the form of human being or a person). They love the concept of the one who will make them completed and fulfilled. So, basically they are in love with a shadow or the expectations they created themselves. Like a mirror. They set their standard and expectations higher about that person just like they want it to be. Then, things go in opposite. Doomed. Dissapointment. A concept they made in fact is just as human being as them. He/she is not perfect, still good but has flaws. Then, they realise it beyonds their expectations.

"... and it crushed them."

"Exactly. It may have not fulfilled all their needs -uhm, their wants I think- so, if we are not ready... chaos."

"What the..."

Mind blown. I feel like I need to having some beers afterward.

"Fuuuu... what an answer. I've got drunk."

"Don't ask a Libran next time... But, that was brilliant. It challenged me. I will ask someone else later if I'm going to date him."

"It's a must."

"Then, I'll be ready to dumped because of it. But of course I will choose the person who can elaborate the answer very well."

***



Butuh mimik lucu, nih, abis nulis postingan begini sembari ingat-ingat lagi persisnya. Ya gimana, enggres semua. Bingung, kak, kalau diterjemahkan ke bahasa Indonesia, lha wong dia nanyanya juga ngenggres. Ngelatih nulis gak apa-apa lah ya. *alasan* Sebuah percakapan sok serius antara dua orang - satu berdiri di bus Transjakarta penuh sesak, yang lain mungkin lagi ngadem di kantor. *tepuk tangan* :D Oh, itu "fuuu..." sengaja diganti karena aslinya Andin bilang "bangsyadh...." dan teman-temannya. Nanti blog ini jadi nggak cerdas berbahasa dan berbudaya lagi. *iki opo toh, cuk?*

Oh ya, nganu, tolong dimaafkan ya para pembaca *emang ada yang baca?* kalau grammar-nya ngawur. Tapi percayalah tidak ada andil Google translate di sini. Kasihan, kalau dia selalu disalahkan sama orang-orang. Jadi, salahkan aku saja, mz dan mb. :(

Lo mabok? Sama. Gue apalagi. :D

Giant Leap

Contemplation. I have to struggling with my own mind about some things lately. Things that didn't go way I expected to be, another storms, and else. Sometimes the best thing I can do is stay away for a while, take a sit and take a deep breath - let my minds wandering around to some probabilities or other.

One day in the morning, I have been on the edge of my limit. I somehow being too hard on myself all this time. Tried to please everyone and too much overthink about other's opinion toward me, so I forgot how to appreciate myself and everything I should prioritize. The whole of my life. Hence I made a decision.

People come and go. Sometimes it is not a big deal to let people out of our life. Our past exactly taught us how to survive and deal with it, a friend told me. I think it's better than "I am okay. We will be fine. Our friendship, too" and one day you found out that things are go in opposite, either they removed all the contacts or avoid you and your presence(s). I just want to make it simple. If you want to stay, stay. I appreciate it. If you are not, I happily to let you and say goodbye. No heart feeling, since I learned a lot -in time- about acceptance. I cannot force someone whom never want to stay. Though I knew, that the choices could affected them too. I take this as a leap into my next chapter. My journey.

As a friend of mine said, life has its own way to get you there. Everything is in the universe connected somehow. The choices we make, the decisions, the chances, the path we take on our way home, even words we spoken could change the whole things. Not only our own life would affected, other's too. Go with the flows. We are in a big "wait and see" game.



See you in another crossroad, then. :)

Closure

There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book.

I, I have chose to read the book once again. It may be the favorite book I have ever read. By choosing it, it doesn't mean I will dwell in the past. I am not. You know, it damn hard whether I should give up and put the book back in the shelf.

A friend of mine asked me once, "honestly.. Spontaneously do you still love him?" I said yes.

They say sometimes life does not offer you a second chance. If it is right, don't worry I would be okay. That connections are never lie. It still sparks and sometimes I just know someone need someone to taking care.

Thank you for always by my side even when I touched the lowest point and that storms came. Accompanied me through the rough times. I always be grateful for your presence, our togetherness, and everything we shared. I now realised that sometimes things never go the way you expect them to be. Just like you and I. No matter how hard we try - you told me - we were going to go nowhere. So, here we are at the finish line and ready to go. I am really sorry for hurting you. I wish you all the good things in life, another chances and person whom worth fighting and good enough to taking care of you. I would be happy to hear that from you.

There is always a reason in everything. Just like Prof. Dumbledore asked Prof. Snape about Lily once. So do I, "After all this time?" ALWAYS.



- An epilog to an almost relationship.